A Starting Essay

Thursday April 2, 2026 — Lausanne

I consume and I consume, absorbing thoughts and ideas to fill myself with interests. But lately I’ve been thinking that it doesn’t add anything. I like my curiosity, I like digesting knowledge and it makes me feel cool to know things. But I can’t help but feel like I’m passive, like I’m part of the problem. I’ve taken the easy job of just sitting and letting myself be entertained by recommended content, and I absolutely can’t stand it anymoreA thought that has been solidified after reading George Harry James’s article . I look up to creatives and want to be just like them, with deep insights and beautiful products to show off. I that my ego looking for attention? It feels dishonest to want to create only for the sake of it being seen. Shouldn’t the creation be enough? Shouldn’t the creation and the process of forming a block of clay be the point? Shouldn’t learning to explore my heart and mind and giving form be the exercise and result? It is why I’m writing now. I feel like every time I put thoughts to paper, I’m doing it for someone else. I feel pressured to use complex words and deepen what I’m making. It’s as if someone is always looking over my shoulder. Another reason I fear creativity is that I give it a high bar. When making anything I compare to what I see around me and of course the only things around me are from established artists. This biased overview puts pressure on me to make something great on the first try.

The solution seems clear, I need to shed unreasonable expectations and just do. Art and creation is about a shot in the dark and the nice thing about the dark is it is empty. No foundation or rules to follow or measure up to. Anything goes in the dark and the only motivation is my curiosity and sense of exploration. That is ultimately what I’m searching for. Reconnecting with my passion for playing. Playing with ideas, pencils, notes and words. I’ve spend most of my day as an aspiring engineer who is steeped in cold and hard rules of theorems and sciences. There is little wiggle room and no listening to feelings in science. At least not on the beginner level where I still have to learn and follow. I lost connection to my heart and I’m hoping that creativity brings me back to a state of spirituality. Where intuition, symbols and luck bring me somewhere meaningful.

Now, when listening to my desires, there are some things I want to try. In writing, I want to write small stories, essays and poems. I want to write the first thing that comes to mind and see where it leads. Just like I’m doing now. In visual arts, I want to try drawing. I want to be able to roughly put what my mind sees on paper. Maybe a class can help but the first step will be just picking up a pencil and paper. In music, I want to play the piano and see where notes lead me again. Mixing more is also important. I want to delve into music spheres and put my findings in a comprehensive mix. So my research has a tangible result. In spirituality, I want to ask myself questions. TarotVegyn’s way of using tarot to guide himself was inspiring. may help me get beginnings but I need to find a way to become more connected to myself again. Meditation could be an option and I definitely think that giving myself more mental space will help. More time where I’m bored, and can only occupy myself by picking my brain apart. “Boredom is the dream bird that hatches the egg of experience. A rustling in the leaves drives him away.” wrote Walter Benjamin. It is in boredom that the mind wanders and creativity is nurtured.

Let this be my beginning and promise to creating. Anything will be better than being passive.